I created this blog because of a burst of inspiration that I have not had in quite some time. Today while reading my Bible and Taffi Dollar’s Embracing the Love God Wants You to Have, I came to a huge realization. My whole life I have tried to live as a Christian. I went to a private Christian school, attended church every now and then, I even read the Bible a good bit, but I never felt complete. It is safe to say that most of my nineteen years on this planet have been spent feeling empty. Don’t get me wrong, I am a happy person. I have a great family, job, even a boyfriend, but I have had a hole in my heart since the day I was born that only God Himself can fill. I feel like that is true for everyone though. Some people try to fill that hole with love from another human being or material possessions or even drugs and alcohol, but deep down I think we all know that hole has to filled with God’s love or it will never be filled at all.This gaping hole that every so often reminds me that my life is still empty and meaningless no matter how hard I try. I have known for a while now that this hole will only be filled with God’s love and presence in my daily life, but achieving this has been difficult for me and I never understood why; until today. Today this huge realization I have come to (wait for it..) is that I do not love myself. That is so very hard to understand. I am me. Why do I not love me? I am going to be me forever, might as well get used to it. But ‘getting used to it’ is not what God wants from us. I think the reason I do not love myself is that I compare myself to everyone. The women on tv and in magazines, I sit and look at them and all their beauty in disbelief. How can they be so beautiful? Why did God not make me as pretty as her? These thoughts took me further and further away from God. Imagine this, you are a talented artist. You paint exquisite, detailed pieces of art. Now imagine all of your art comparing themselves to one another (if art could think, of course.) Even though, every one of them is different with unique aspects. That would be a slap in the face to their creator, wouldn’t it? I can just imagine God looking down at me as I am comparing myself to another woman and saying, “Why can you see the beauty I made within her, but not within yourself?” God made us. All of us. That murderer on the news, God made him. That gorgeous girl from work you hate just because she is pretty, God made her. The sweet old lady down the road, God made her. The soldier fighting for your freedom right now, God made him. The gay kid everyone picked on in high school, God made him. The celebrity you idolize, God made her. The insecure girl typing all this, God made her. The person taking time out of their very busy and productive day to read this, God made you. He has a love for you that no one will ever have for you, except Him. He made us all beautiful and unique, with our own set of challenges and talents. That alone is amazing.
I would like to quote a part of Taffi Dollar’s Embracing the Love God Wants You to Have, “God is clearly proud of His accomplishment, having created you.” Let that truly sink in. God, the most powerful presence of all time, made you. Created you by hand like a dainty figurine. He spent a long time getting every detail just right, bringing you to life. While making you, He smiled and thought of all the positive moments you would have in your lifetime. Like when you first started talking, or your first day of college, or even the day you get married. He also thought about all the positive moments you would create in others’ lives. Like the time you stood up for the kid everyone picked on in high school, or the homeless man you gave a twenty to, or the insecure girl you called beautiful the other day. The point I am trying so desperately to make here is that until we recognize how special, talented, beautiful, and loved we all are, we will never fully understand God’s love for us and without that, the gaping hole you feel in the pit of your stomach after every accomplishment or bad decision you make, will be there forever. To me, nothing is scarier than that.